Thoughts mid august 2021

Posted on Aug 15, 2021 · 3 min read

I'm writing something but I can't think of a proper title for this entry.

I know I wanted to make some points but I don't remember exactly what was it.

For the past two years I have been procrastinating on taking some specific steps in my life.

I mean, I did change some things, but at the same time I have tried to avoid making decisions and taking action.

And I guess not making a decision, is also a decision.

I have been single for a while now, and I did it for some reasons.

I have stopped dating someone because I hadn't had clear feelings and intentions about staying together.

I walked away from someone because I felt alone in that place, and I wanted to see that person so bad I could not stand living in the same environment that kept bringing me memories.

I've meet someone new with whom I've been chatting for over a year without ever meeting in person, because.. let's just say there was some "distance between us".

I have also chosen to spend some time alone because I haven't really been single during my adult life for too long. So I could spend time doing other stuff, like spending more time with friends and family or myself.

I wanted to try not to force things, to be patient, to try to go with the flow and just let things happen naturally.

In the past I've always ended up into a relationship with someone with whom I wasn't really sure I wanted something serious, but kept staying in that relationship for years so I said to myself I have to stop doing that, or just make it shorter when it happens.

Don't get me wrong, cause I appreciate all the people I've meet and the experiences and learnings that came with that.

One thing I know for sure is that I think I'm the kind of person that does need to be with someone. Don't we all? I mean.. I know I do need and want that human connection.

I know you can fill all voids of your soul with.. lots of distractions and activities, going out, playing video games, watching NetFlix, doing work, and all kind of goals and purposes.

But what I think I'm trying to talk about is..

Feelings and pain, depression, missing someone, unmet needs, and fear (of all kinds).

Let's just imagine there's a bridge.. on one side there's the actual "you" that choses to play it safe.

On the other side there's the future you, that did "accomplish" the stuff that you used to just dream about.

Are you going to cross that bridge at some point in time? Or are you going to stay right where you are?

You know that you're afraid, that it challenges you, because you could get hurt, you can hurt someone else, you can feel lost, and that even if it is probable that things will turn out just fine, there's a very high probability you'll fail and cause pain.

And I can't hope but wonder. What is wrong with us? How much longer are we going to keep hiding?

I guess you can't win a game if you refuse to play in order to avoid losing.

Life is scary. How are we supposed to know what to do.

I should make this post longer and more philosophical but I don't feel inspired anymore.

I hope one day we'll find the courage and cross that bridge even if it will bring us struggle, and then look back and realize it was worth it.